Nightclub etiquette: Or 10 ways to really annoy me on a night out

We’ve all been there – the cheeky, spur of the moment night out with friends. The ginger beer is flowing and you’re enjoying the latest popular music offerings from the disc jockey. Then suddenly, out of the blue, annoying patron of the club you’re in comes along and does something which really, REALLY annoys you. Perhaps it’s the alcohol, but this is potentially the most irritating thing which has ever happened to anyone. Ever.  So I’ve compiled a list of 10 simple rules to avoid being that person we’ve all hated for the duration of a night out.

1. ‘Excuse me’ is still in fashion

I appreciate that clubs are noisy, in fact I hate when people try to hold a conversation with me and I just can’t hear. But that doesn’t justify you shoving me out of your way. A tap on the shoulder accompanied by a polite ‘excuse me’ still works y’know.

2. Do not ‘get low’ if you are too drunk to walk in a straight line

Flo Rida has a lot to answer for. I am all for “getting low” when ‘Low’ or ‘Get Low’ come on the juke box, if only for the excellent glutes/quads workout which it provides. But please, ladies, know your limits.  If you are either a) too inflexible or b) too smashed to attempt this dance move, then don’t. You fall over, get your dress all dirty, spill your drink on the floor and generally cause a commotion. Stick to awkward hip sashaying.

3. Sip the top two inches off your drink BEFORE returning to the dance floor

This is basic health and safety guys. Don’t take a full drink onto a busy dance floor.  Either your MJ-style moves or those of someone else will cause it to be knocked and thus spilled (invariably on me). Simply stand to one side sipping on your drink until there is sufficient gap between the top of the receptacle and the surface of your drink to ensure that you don’t spill it on me or the floor.

4. Just because I’m a girl, does not mean it’s ok for you to ‘dance’ with me

I know I can get a little too involved with my dancing. In my head, I look just like Beyoncé.  Nevertheless, that does not make it ok for you, man who I’ve never met, to put your arms around me and ‘join in’. What happened to saying hello, finding out each other’s names before you grope me on the dance floor? And when I firmly shove you away, it’s not because I’m a ‘bitch’ or ‘frigid’. It’s because you’re creepy.

5. Yes, my friend is taking a photo. No, I do not want you to be in it

Hi, creepy guy from number 4. You’re the same guy, I know you are. This handy tip is aimed at you too. Just because you can see a camera pointed towards me, this does not make it ok for you to put one arm around me, the other either doing a thumbs up or holding on to your drink whilst you tilt your head in with a big grin as if we’re old friends. I don’t know you, and I will do a concerned/frightened face and you will be tagged on Facebook as ‘creepy photo interloper’. Seriously don’t do it. Unless you’re doing an amusing photobomb, in which case, go right ahead, that’ll make me smile tomorrow.

6. Please stop taking photos of you and your friends ‘having fun’

Following on from point 5, which shows that I am not averse to photos being taken on nights out, this is aimed at those clubbers, predominately female, who spend the whole night taking photos of themselves, pouting, in various parts of the club. You just know that these will be on Facebook the next day with captions such as “soooo drunk!!!! Lol!!!” or “friday nite with my fave girls! Love u all! xxxxxx”. Photos from nights out are only worth it when they show you in all your dancing glory, not when they’re posed and taken by one of the subjects with their arm stretched out.

7. If you’re not competent enough in heels not to stand on my foot, don’t wear them

I am fed up with waking up with huge bruises on the top of my foot with no amusing story behind them, just the explanation that some drunk midget girl can’t walk in heels properly and decided that my metatarsals were a good stepping stone on her way to the cheese floor. If your shoes cause pain to you or your fellow club-goers, don’t wear them.

8. I was at the bar before you. Don’t out-flirt me with the barman and get your order in first

We’re British. We queue. To cross this line is the first step towards all out anarchy. Whilst the bar does not encourage the traditional queue form, this does not mean that the very British institution should be ignored entirely. If you know that someone has been waiting longer than you, point the bar person in their direction. Don’t (I’m looking at you Miss Smarmy-flicky-hair-long-eyelashes-butter-wouldn’t-melt-low-cut-top) muscle in and place your excessively large order whilst not having any money ready so you take twice as long to pay. It’s just not how things should be done.

9. Once you’ve purchased your drink, move AWAY from the bar

Usually the same offenders as point 8, this is addressed to those who, in a busy club, decide to stand there, despite those behind them desiring to purchase a beverage, and natter, do a few more shots, enjoy their drinks taking up valuable bar space. If the bar were meant for that, there’d be seats. You’re in everyone’s way, stop it. If you wanted to hang around a bar, why did you come out to a club? Go to the pub, it’s cheaper.

10. Please, please, move to the sides of the room/a private seating area to face eat.

Seriously. If you take only one rule from this list, let it be this.  Whether you’re with your significant other, or you have developed a special connection with the randomer you met on the dance floor just 2 brief hours ago, as happy as I am for you, I don’t want to watch your mating ritual. Take it to the sides, to a private booth, to the smoking area, back home, I don’t care. Just not near me, whilst I’m re-enacting the dance routine to Single Ladies. I’ve probably had one too many cheap shots, and you’re really pushing me over the edge in terms of queasiness. Trust me, I’m saving you a lot of embarrassment when I say, not in public, please.